Parenting Isn’t A Full Time Job, It’s More Like An Internship

FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN YOU’VE SEEN ON “LAST COMIC STANDING.” PLEASE WELCOME, MICHAEL
PALASCAK! HI. HI. I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. THANKS. I REMEMBER WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING, SHE DIDN’T HAVE A JOB
FOR A LITTLE BIT. AND I REMEMBER SHE TEXTED ME ONE TIME. SHE WAS LIKE, “MICHAEL, I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I ONLY HAVE 10 CENTS IN MY ACCOUNT RIGHT NOW.” “YOU SPENT EVERYTHING YOU HAD EXCEPT 10 CENTS?” “WITHOUT GOING OVER?”
“YOU SHOULD GO ON ‘THE PRICE IS RIGHT’.”

REALLY? NOW THE ALARM IS GOING OFF IN YOUR HEAD AT 10 CENTS? AT $10 WERE YOU JUST STANDING OUTSIDE OF A WALGREENS LIKE, ‘I COULD RENT 6 RED BOX MOVIES’.” YOU CAN’T AFFORD ANYTHING FOR 10 CENTS. YOU CAN BARELY AFFORD TO GIVE
YOUR OPINION. SHE TRIES TO GIVE ME ADVICE ON SOMETHING, I WILL BE LIKE, “OH, WHY DON’T YOU HOLD ON TO YOUR TWO CENTS.”
“I DON’T WANT TO TAKE ONE-FIFTH OF YOUR NET WORTH.”

HER NAME IS SAM. SHE’S GREAT. SHE TOLD ME ONE TIME THAT SHE HAS NEVER BEEN BROKEN UP WITH BEFORE AND… YEAH. SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE TOLD ME THAT. BECAUSE I AM VERY COMPETITIVE. THERE WILL BE NO UNDEFEATED SEASONS! A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE MARRIED, AND THEY HAVE KIDS, WHICH HAS GOT TO BE A LOT, YOU KNOW? LIKE, THEY SAY BEING A PARENT IS
A FULL-TIME JOB. BUT IT SEEMS MORE LIKE A HORRIBLE, UNPAID INTERNSHIP. YEAH. WHERE, LIKE, THE FIRST FIVE YEARS YOU BRING YOUR BOSS LUNCH, AND HE JUST THROWS IT ON THE GROUND HALF THE TIME.

BabySleepMiracle

“HOW ARE YOU RUNNING THIS COMPANY?” I WOULD NEVER ACCEPT THAT JOB IN AN INTERVIEW. THEY’D BE LIKE, “DO YOU WANT
THIS FULL-TIME JOB?” “OH, WELL WHAT DOES IT IT PAY?” “OH, YOU PAY.” “THOUSANDS. FOR AT LEAST 18 YEARS, OR YOU COULD GO TO JAIL.” “WHAT DO I GET OUT OF IT?” “YOU GET JUDGED FOR ASKING THAT QUESTION.” “WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF IT? YOU GET LOVE, OKAY. FOR 13 YEARS. 10 TO 13 YEARS! AND THEN YOU GET JUDGED AND RESENTED FOR FIVE TO 10 YEARS. AND THEN YOU GET LOVE AGAIN, BASED ON HOW MUCH MONEY YOU GIVE THEM.”

I’M NOT SAYING THAT KIDS AREN’T WORTH IT. I’M JUST SAYING THAT THEY COST MORE THAN THEY’RE WORTH. LIKE, KIDS ARE… I SEE MY FRIENDS BECOME PARENTS, AND I’M SURE ON THE INSIDE THERE’S A LOT OF JOY IN THAT TRANSITION. BUT ON THE OUTSIDE I’M JUST LIKE… OOOH. WHAT HAPPENED? LIKE, “HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO GO TO THE DOCTOR BECAUSE YOU LOOK SICK EVERY DAY.” SERIOUSLY, LIKE, SEEING THEM BEFORE AND AFTER, IT’S LEAK A MAKEOVER COMMERCIAL BUT REVERSE. LIKE, “YOU’RE AFTER, BUT… YOU LOOK WAY BEFORE.”

I WAS VISITING MY PARENTS RECENTLY. MY MOM IS REALLY NICE. SHE WAS LIKE, “MICHAEL, I WILL GIVE YOU A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT.” SWEET! FREE RIDE TO THE AIRPORT! AND THEN AS WE WERE DRIVING, SHE IS LIKE, “I JUST WANT TO LET YOU THAN MARRIAGE IS A LOT EASIER IF YOU FIND SOMEONE WHO HAS THE SAME RELIGION AS YOU.” NOT A FREE RIDE TO THE AIRPORT!  I’M CATHOLIC. I’M A PRACTICING CATHOLIC. I HAVEN’T BEEN IN ANY GAMES YET. I DON’T AGREE, THOUGH, WITH EVERYTHING THAT’S GOING ON WITH THAT RELIGION. LIKE, A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO THE GOVERNMENT SAID THAT GAY PEOPLE COULD GET MARRIED, AND THE CATHOLIC CHURCH WAS JUST LIKE, “OHHH… AAAHH…, HMMM… AHHHWE’RE BOOKED THOSE DATES.” IT’S NOT AN EXACT QUOTE. BUT I DON’T KNOW. LIKE, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY. LIKE, FROM WHAT I’VE BEEN TOLD, IF YOU’RE CATHOLIC AND YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO PROCREATE, AND GAY PEOPLE CAN’T. BECAUSE OF SCIENCE.

WHICH I– I DON’T KNOW. IF YOU’RE A RELIGION AND YOU’RE USING SCIENCE TO EXCLUDE PEOPLE FROM SOMETHING, MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK AT YOUR ARGUMENT ONE MORE TIME. ( APPLAUSE ) YEAH. I THINK THAT MAYBE GAY PEOPLE CAN PROCREATE, AND WE JUST NEED TO BELIEVE. RIGHT. I BELIEVE IN VIRGIN MARY. I CAN BELIEVE IN GAY MARK. THANKS, EVERYBODY. I’M MICHAEL PALASCAK.

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